Back to the future!

Other week means another blog. And I thought I’d write about the future. It’s a scary word, a scary feeling. When I was young I was asked, like most of you, “what are you gonna do in the future?” And I would say that I was going to be a spice-girl, a designer, a spy, a teacher, an astronaut, everything that I could think of! But now that future is here, I have absolutely no idea what I want to be or what to do!

Being a grown up, an adult, is not easy, handling responsibility, make decisions, pay bills, all of that is really hard, especially when you are still living at home with your parents and they keep asking the same question over and over again: “what are you gonna do with your life...?” I get a lump in my neck every time I hear this question because I have honestly no idea what I am going to do with my life. And I don’t want to think of about it. Now that the future is here it means that there is no way back. Your time of decisions has run out and you have to do something. NOW! You have to work, you have to get a job, don’t like it? Well I don’t care. It doesn’t matter if you are miserable, you need money and you need to be something! There is no time to think! You had plenty of time to think when you were a kid, now that you are a “grown up” you have to jump in the sea and swim, even though you can’t swim you have to stay away from drowning. And it is tough! 

   So miss future is a bitch, a bully, not at all what you expect it to be and you have to deal with it. Do not cry, only baby’s cry, not adults.
   I go to bed every night with a knot in my stomach, thinking: tomorrow is another day that I have to think about the future. I am going to be told to find a job and been rubbed in the face that I quit school. Future is mean, not to know is a horrible feeling. Failing a test is horrible so what if I fail life. What will happen? I am afraid that I am going to fail life, that I am going to fall off a cliff into the sea and drown. So I just stay still. That way I won’t fall.

   But recently I have started to take tiny steps towards the future. It makes me feel good but it also makes me cry. I just want to be a little kid for a while! Just play with my toys and don’t worry about a thing.  I want to go to sleep and don’t wake up until I am ready to wake up.
   So now I am living day by day, job hunting and house hunting, working on my driver’s license so I can get away. I don’t want to but I have to. Hopefully life will get easier at some point, maybe when I don’t have to go through it alone. I pray every night that life will get better so now I am going to pray some more.

   Well that is enough of complaining for now. I got this of my chest and it feels a little lighter. So now I am going to watch Robin Hood and get inspired and laugh a little bit to lift my spirit. And my brother is dancing like Elvis so that also makes me laugh so don’t forget the little things that make you smile, even though you are having a bad day! Until next week, enjoy life and let go!            

Elisabeth